Yes, it has been quite a few weeks since I have posted — I feel bad.
I’ve started school back up but I have some time to write some random thoughts. Let me know what you guys think.
Okay, so I’ve dated “someone” I won’t name him. I have horrible luck with guys,
although Shane is a nothing but net kinda guy….not that we’re “together” or anything. He’d be a great guy for any girl to have. Including myself. This is, of course, if you don’t mind having a gay boyfriend. Here’s a tip, if you have to think about it, he’s probably gay. Tip 2) guys are so immature it is sometimes not even worth it!
Right before I met man-child did I “break-up” with this other guy. He’d been the first guy I had liked at Regent my first couple years. We had only known each other for 2 years, but he had been in a lot of my classes, since my major was his minor.
We, literally guys, dated for 3 days. That was it. There were a few reasons that I thought we were better “friends” (That didn’t last a week)
- He wasn’t always a gentlemen.
- One week he’d be sunshine and butterflies, the next he’d be Stormageddon dark lord of the English Class (and we all thought it was the professor 😉
- He’d get mad at me when I talked to other guys.
- Convinced himself he was king of the world (without the great cinematography of Titanic and the hot red-head)
- Would let the heaviest door in the class nearly smack me in the face.
- I had witnesses
- Thought he was an amazing kisser
- Nope. Nope, he wasn’t. I lied to make him feel better.
- Little immature I know on my part
- Nope. Nope, he wasn’t. I lied to make him feel better.
- Got miffed when I accidentally texted him something that was something flirty to my friend of 11 years.
- Got really miffed when I told him said friend of 11 years was a guy and was my best friend.
- Gotreally really miffed when I said who it was.
- They knew each other
- He (Buddy) is so much prettier.
Against my better judgement, the first day of class I let him take me out to eat. He was kind and all smiles and quickly got flirty. It made me uncomfortable having him grab my hand and keep rubbing it, but I didn’t know why. It wasn’t overwhelming, but a small part of my heart knew something was up.
Our second date, he made out with me….in his car. There was something off but I didn’t want to be lonely, and I thought (stupidly) that he could take the pain for my past away. At this point, I still hadn’t told my mother.
About this kiss:
- I kissed him first after his undertone pressure
- When he kissed me…it scared me
- It was sickeningly familiar in more than one way. That someone had kissed me like that before,
- and the forcefulness of the kiss.
- It didn’t seem to matter my trepidation. I’d told him before that I’d kinda never been kissed.
- He wanted to make out, and I didn’t even know how.
After this, the next Monday we talked over breakfast, and more awkwardness. We sat down on “Our bench” (me and my best friends). It was a peaceful scene that looked over the water of the Swan Terrace near the Founders Inn.
We were talking, and he had asked me why I was giving him mixed signals about the kiss.
This is where it got complicated.
I told him that I wasn’t even sure how I felt about it. He asked me what I meant when I said, “A part of me…” I told him again that I was uncomfortable because of what had “happened” to me. Sarcastically, he said, “And what did “happen” to you?”
This time, my whole heart was on my side. I am the only one on my side. I knew that he probably wasn’t going to believe me.
“I was abused.” I said simply.
He was quiet and the atmosphere changed even more. From miffed to, “I can’t do this with her now.” He started going off about how he didn’t understand how I couldn’t just “move on” from this. He’d known other people that had gone through this. He told me as I was fighting back tears,
“I don’t understand, if you’re a “good” Christian, you should be just like, ya know, like yah, it happened but you shouldn’t stay stuck in the past, because like, it’s over, ya know? Like if you believe in God as a you say you do, you should move on.”
My jaw dropped but I closed it quickly.
My best friend, who I consulted with the situation, told me,
“Hailey, if he actually blows of that you were traumatized,” We both laughed nervously, as he picked his nails….as I was doing “he’s a douche bag!” he grinned at me again and we laughed. “Like, seriously he needs his ass kicked otherwise!” We both grinned at each other. I knew he was right and a part of me knew he was right. He’d smiled softly, shyly, again. A genuine smile. One that I missed at the moment. I looked in this guy..at his eyes and wished, closing my eyes, that he was my best friend. I had pictured his beautiful dark complexion and his sweet, shy smile. I missed that so much with this guy. There was something about my friend that was so amazing and godly, and scarred like I was. He knew I had been sexually abused and I didn’t have to tell him.
The thing with my “date” was that he believed Love was a choice. This concerned me. When he was telling me about how he felt, something struck me as odd about that phrasing, “choose to love.”
There are some thoughts I have on that. On the agreeing side,
- We have a choice to love. God gave us that wonderful gift of free will. We choose to love him or reject him.
- You do make a choice to love someone. Sometimes.
- We do love because God first loved us
That’s as far as I can get on that.
- The way that he was saying it, and the way he acted, says that he wakes up every day and literally “chose” to love me. Or her (his current GF), his dad, mom, uncle, sister, (hooker, – not me) every day. I choose to love you.
- From what the Bible says, that is not how God loves us. He loves us with unconditional, unending, undying love that surrounds me everyday. God doesn’t choose to love me. He just loves. We love each other like that. I think it was how he was raised to make him think/act like he did but he did not act like he loved me.
- This shows me, from the balance effect, that you can choose not to love. I don’t think that emotions work that way. They are something God given and since we were created in the image of God, we love like he does…or we try. Love today is so fickle. Romeo and Juliet is the story of sheer stupidity but the love was true. Although the both died, they were willing to die for the other.
- Although love and hate are closely related, it does not happen in the blink of an eye. You don’t wake up one day and instantly hate a person, unless that person betrayed you in a horrible way. I cannot believe in the course of those three words, “I was abused” he chose to “stop loving me” or at least trying with me. The standing theory is that he never loved me at all, he was just pretending.
- To close and prove all of him and all the other people just like him wrong, here is one of my favorite Bible Verses:
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned,[a] but have not love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;[b] 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.
13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
With all of that being said…
I love you.