At the time I started seeing Jan Gale again, I was barely 18. I was shy, confused, and upset on what had happened in psychology. I managed to push it out of my head for the time being that I needed to push hard to the finish line of school. When it was over, however, I got chances to think. Thinking was never good for me. I knew something was off, so wrong, so odd, but I couldn’t figure out what.
The first time we talked it was hot in June. Jan had lived right on the lake three doors down from her parents house. I hadn’t seen them since I was about 4 or 5 years old. I had hung out with their kids ever since that time off and on, but I never connected with Jan until now. I always loved to see her. We had slowly walked down to the lake as we talked about her life. I didn’t know we would soon be talking about mine.
We parked right near the beach and she explained to me what she meant. Jan explained this far better than I will attempt to, so bear with me. I am still dumbfounded by this amazing method of deep healing. The official name for it is theophostic deep inner healing. When we have events, such as abuse, in our pasts, a part of our heart breaks apart from the whole. It’s a mechanism of protection from harm. Because we are born into sin we all of hurt in our hearts and broken, shattered pieces of ourselves. Some times, in emergency circumstances, like a abuse, the mind will protect itself and so will the heart.
When she talked to me, it made more sense, and I hope I am making this as simple as possible.
Well, Jan asked me to just close my eyes for a moment, or keep them open. Whatever made me comfortable. She said she liked to come down here because I could look into the water if it comforted me. She was very engaging and willing to help change the environment. I closed my eyes as a personal preference, just because it was me. She then asked me, “Is there any part of Hailey’s heart that would like to speak with us, today?” It was a gentle offer to come forward. just like that I saw a young version of myself. I believe that I was eight years old. It would make sense.
Getting her out of where she was was the interesting part! She was stuck in the bedroom which makes more sense than anything. She was terrified. Literally quivering with fear that she would be hurt. She said she didn’t want to tell me what had happened to her, only that it was really really bad and that she was cold! Suddenly, I felt Jesus with me. I was repeating everything I heard in my heart back to Jan and so she told me to grab a light. I was confused. There was no light…..and then there was. There was a light in my hand and Jesus by my side, smiling at me. Nodding. Telling me that I could do this. I lit up the dark room and offered my hand out to this scared little girl that was me years and years and years ago. I promised her that if she just came with me that we would make it all better. She was weary at first, and Jan told me to just be patient. It was all right. It’s really scary sometimes for them. I was patient and soon enough she cried and jumped into my arms. I caught her up and hugged her tight. She loved it!
Jan was proud of me and gave me a wink and a nod and a fantastic job pat on the hand. She told me, “just walk out the door. It’ll be over.” She promised. I told her that she and I were walking out of the house together, her clung to my hip. We could walk through the many obstructions to try to keep us there, literally right through them. I turned the door nob when we got there, opened it up, and we were on the street. In my minds eye, I could see a light. Jesus was ushering us in, inviting us to experience His safety. I looked at myself and she looked back at me.
Suddenly, we were by my favorite hang out spot as a kid. It was the best night I had had with my brother and my buddy Brendan. I felt so safe, under the stars with my friend and brother. I felt the rough grass on the golf course, which we really shouldn’t have technically been on….I felt amazing. It was warm. I felt loved. So when I ended up, the little girl still on my hip, on that green, I smiled. It was dark and the stars were out, just like that moment. I could see the lake in the background and the benches and steps that lead down to it. I smiled.
That’s the basic idea behind all of that. Remembering what hurt you to much. I forgot about the abuse as a mechanism of protection. I was even told by God later, and my mother, that when I was ready I would be able to remember. Mom urged me not to go digging and at the time it was for the best. But now, I needed to know…..because I could have sworn by my life it was going to ruin the most precious relationship that I had.
At the time before I saw Jan again, there was someone else. Someone sacred. I felt something I’d never felt before when I was around him. I love him with every part of my heart. For disclosure purposes that are not mine to share, I can’t say his name. But you need none. All you need to know is how he helped me write another chapter in the story of my life.
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