Part 6: Just Say Jesus

WARNING: Content is about abuse. This is something I wrote in a dark moment. It is hope, it is despair. It’s the in between moment of realizing what happened to me, and processing it. I was so confused at the time. I hope that it might help you. The song I listened to is called Just Say Jesus by 7th Time Down. I heard it on www.air1.com . Feel as free to mosey on over there as you are free to explore this site!!! Thanks so much!

 

 

There I lay, helpless, cold, on the ground.

Nothing around but evil deeds, of which will never be punished. 

I want to move but I can’t. 

There I lay, trapped in my mind.

Inside my past

~*~

In reality, the sun is on my face, shining in my eyes, providing a twinkle that anyone would assume is happiness. Happiness. I laugh at the word 

In the warm sunlight I am still trapped, my heart screaming to get out, but there is none. 

I give up hope. “Who would want a broken girl anyway?” I hear my heart say. 

There I sit, alive and well in my present, but my past wells up and pictures it in my tears. Tears of my past run down my face.

~*~ 

I listen to the radio, and am reminded of something. A glimmer of hope. A song on the radio. 

Just Say Jesus the title said. I realize my guilt, my broken promise, and my broken heart. 

The moment my past came to light, I promised my God I wouldn’t stray. “I promise You.” I’d said. 

I felt like crying when I realized what I’d done. I was so far gone away from Jesus. 

The song, and the spirit convicted me of the crime and I felt like hiding. I wanted to run and hide my face, my heart. 

~*~

I ask myself, why do I feel this, with the answer, “You’re straying” over and over repeatedly. 

To get through the day, I push it down by telling myself, “Whatever,”

I enter my room later that night, my stomach was not the only thing hurting. 

Later at night, when the sun had completely set, I wake up and feel I have to be sick. A hollow nauseousness sets in

~*~

I needed to study so I thought, why not, not gonna sleep anyway. 

A voice inside begins to cry in fear, in pain, in sickness. 

I know I had to be comforted but I wasn’t sure how. 

When something told me it was Okay to pray, 

I close my eyes, begin to pray, and realize a block. I remember the song and what the song said. 

“When you don’t know what to say, just say Jesus.” 

~*~

That’s all I say, a soft whisper of brokenness. 

Suddenly the block is removed and I can breathe. 

I am in the presence of the Lord now, I bow at that reality. 

He lifts up my face and looks at me with love. The perfect love of a father. It was something I have never known. It was so strong, so powerful, that my walls of Jericho crumple in 7 seconds. 

~*~

Suddenly, I feel something so real 

A pair of arms to meet my heart, and embrace it. Tears well up and I cry. 

I cry. I cry for happiness of love, from a torn up heart, the reality of what happened. I cry for being alone, for breaking my promise, and most of all, I cry for separation. Separation from the only love that is safe. 

~*~

Separation and guilt was the only thing that hurt. When the Father lifts up my face, and tells me He knew. He knew I wouldn’t keep that promise the moment I said it. 

And with every intention of truth, “I love you.” 

Three soft words and with that, I slip into a sleep. With no nightmares, no horrible memories, I sleep. 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s