WARNING: Content is about abuse. This is something I wrote in a dark moment. It is hope, it is despair. It’s the in between moment of realizing what happened to me, and processing it. I was so confused at the time. I hope that it might help you. The song I listened to is called Just Say Jesus by 7th Time Down. I heard it on www.air1.com . Feel as free to mosey on over there as you are free to explore this site!!! Thanks so much!
There I lay, helpless, cold, on the ground.
Nothing around but evil deeds, of which will never be punished.
I want to move but I can’t.
There I lay, trapped in my mind.
Inside my past
In reality, the sun is on my face, shining in my eyes, providing a twinkle that anyone would assume is happiness. Happiness. I laugh at the word
In the warm sunlight I am still trapped, my heart screaming to get out, but there is none.
I give up hope. “Who would want a broken girl anyway?” I hear my heart say.
There I sit, alive and well in my present, but my past wells up and pictures it in my tears. Tears of my past run down my face.
I listen to the radio, and am reminded of something. A glimmer of hope. A song on the radio.
Just Say Jesus the title said. I realize my guilt, my broken promise, and my broken heart.
The moment my past came to light, I promised my God I wouldn’t stray. “I promise You.” I’d said.
I felt like crying when I realized what I’d done. I was so far gone away from Jesus.
The song, and the spirit convicted me of the crime and I felt like hiding. I wanted to run and hide my face, my heart.
I ask myself, why do I feel this, with the answer, “You’re straying” over and over repeatedly.
To get through the day, I push it down by telling myself, “Whatever,”
I enter my room later that night, my stomach was not the only thing hurting.
Later at night, when the sun had completely set, I wake up and feel I have to be sick. A hollow nauseousness sets in
I needed to study so I thought, why not, not gonna sleep anyway.
A voice inside begins to cry in fear, in pain, in sickness.
I know I had to be comforted but I wasn’t sure how.
When something told me it was Okay to pray,
I close my eyes, begin to pray, and realize a block. I remember the song and what the song said.
“When you don’t know what to say, just say Jesus.”
That’s all I say, a soft whisper of brokenness.
Suddenly the block is removed and I can breathe.
I am in the presence of the Lord now, I bow at that reality.
He lifts up my face and looks at me with love. The perfect love of a father. It was something I have never known. It was so strong, so powerful, that my walls of Jericho crumple in 7 seconds.
Suddenly, I feel something so real
A pair of arms to meet my heart, and embrace it. Tears well up and I cry.
I cry. I cry for happiness of love, from a torn up heart, the reality of what happened. I cry for being alone, for breaking my promise, and most of all, I cry for separation. Separation from the only love that is safe.
Separation and guilt was the only thing that hurt. When the Father lifts up my face, and tells me He knew. He knew I wouldn’t keep that promise the moment I said it.
And with every intention of truth, “I love you.”
Three soft words and with that, I slip into a sleep. With no nightmares, no horrible memories, I sleep.