I will first start off by saying two things, 1) you have to find what works for you. What works for me might not work for you and 2) it all just takes some time. But for now, I want to tell you about the first few things that happened after I remembered the sexual abuse.
I had nightmares before this night, scary ones that didn’t really make any sense. But none of them had ever happened this clearly. When I woke up in the dream, I had changed clothes, it was the most real dream that I have ever had. I went to bed in a hot band shirt, I think it was Styx or something, and I woke up in my PJ’s. They were for a little girl, but I could fit on them. When I woke up I was terrified. This is no exaggeration when I say that I felt someone on top of me, holding me down, making me obey! I tried to turn around and I could hear myself half screaming half grunting over the pressure of a full grown man. When I looked down, I noticed that I was still in my bed but that my Jammie’s changed to that pair. I could barely push out a scream from my throat. I looked around again, still struggling and without warning I see a dark, black mass above me, creating that pressure. I thought, “What in the everliving hell is that?” and screamed in my dream…I’m not sure about reality. I screamed for it to stop. Only then did I realize it was a part of my heart reliving the experience.
I am telling you this story to share the experience and to let you all know that there is perfectly legitimate reasons for being scared in the night time. If you have had any similar experiences and would feel comfortable sharing them with me, I’d be extra glad to listen to your heart! I hope that this might have helped someone understand their uneasy feelings at night, or whenever. Usually when that happens, it is a part of our hearts that try to get our attention. If they are little ones, they usually don’t have any sense of time. I’ll relate one last story for you to explain what I mean.
I was in church one sunday, I don’t remember which one, but I was in the middle of worship service. Sometimes in church I get nervous because of my mentor, because he reminds me so much of my father. It’s sometimes a curse I think! Besides that notion, I got extremely terrified of him. I was afraid that he was going to get up from the seat, because I was right beside him and…feel me up. It was such a disurbing notion for an eight year old part of me to think about. Suddenly, I was furious with him for no good reason at the moment! I felt extremely nauseous at the notion of him touching me like that so I got up and left to the bathroom. I closed the door and collapsed to my knees, heaving nothing but air and panic and fear. I calmed my heart down, but this is an example of how my little ones do’t exactly get time. They are usually very trapped inside, from the abuse or whatever happened to them was so scary, they think they are trapped there, and that the abuse is still going on.
I can best explain it if you watch Supernatural or Ghost Hunters and you can understand what a residual haunting is. My heart is basically like that. It is on a constant loop of how it was hurt, when, and where, but it is in the present sense. So whatever happened in the past is now in my present haunting me. That is the best way I could describe it.
I thank you all again very much for sticking with me. Just like my story, I will have different parts or things that help. You can click, explore, learn, and hopefully heal from this! Thank you all so very much!!!
God Bless each of your hearts! He’s Listening with both ears to you!